What’s Been Going On Spring 2013 Part 1

Estimated reading time: 5 – 8 minutes

Hello Everyone!

You haven’t seen or heard from me in a bit, have you? I’ve been neck deep in projects, graduation, writing, gardening, and all that good stuff. Our family came to visit to see my oldest son’s graduation. (Which took place a month ago today in fact.) I still can’t believe my baby is out of school, especially because I’m coming up on it being 20 years since I graduated. (Class of 1994.)

I worked like a fiend these past few months, enough so that I dropped some pounds before they crept back this last month. (Been writing like mad on a project and not doing a lot of moving around.) Anyways, I wanted to show you all how my Spring went. It’s pretty photo-intensive so I’ll be posting another part soon.

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36th Birthday

I celebrated my b-day with loads of sweets and a trip to Ikea. Usually I only go once a year and usually only pick up a few things. This year I was ready to buy. Unfortunately our SUV was out of commission, so I could only pick up a few things again because I couldn’t carry much else in my convertible. 🙁 I got some awesome DVDs (gotta keep on top of the latest alien conspiracy), clothes, and some cool sneakers because I’d just about wore my black pair out. It was a nice day and I really love how my husband takes the day off so he can feed me to my heart’s content!

Closet Cleaning

If you’ve read any of my past postings, you probably know that my mother-in-law passed away last year after a 2 year battle with cancer. As you can imagine, everything fell apart during that time. I let my house get really junky and didn’t have the stamina or desire to deal with it.

This year we’ve all been coming back out of the fog and working hard to put things back in order or even better than they were before. Our master bedroom closet was one of those projects. It was so bad in there we could barely open up the door, much less do more than step over piles of stuff and toss our shoes in there.

I belatedly thought of taking pictures, so I didn’t get any before shots but did catch a few afters:

Spring Cherry Tree

We planted our Yoshino Cherry Tree for my 28th birthday. AC (my oldest) constantly called it a stick because it resembled one for a long time. Now, Yoshie (our name for him) has been in the ground for almost ten years and his spring time flowers are so beautiful! He’s truly my favorite tree of all time:

Kitchen Cabinets

I painted our kitchen cabinets Behr’s “Antique Ivory” this spring. I still need to do a few touch-ups but I’m so pleased with the results. I haven’t taken any pictures of the final look but I will soon. Meanwhile, here’s a few WIP shots:

 

Living Room

I did get a few shots of our living room after it was painted and prettified. The TV cords still work my nerves but that’s price I’m willing to pay for my entertainment. My cat Jaguar crashed the photo shoot but probably just made it better anyways. 😉

Annie Sloan Provence Paint

I love cruising around DIY/Home Decorating blogs so that’s how I found out about Annie Sloan Chalk Paint. I’d seen the painted pantry door posts for a bit and really wanted to do that for my own pantry. I wanted a vibrant color and the only way to achieve that richness of color (that I had seen) was to use Annie Sloan’s paint.

The thing is, I’m a very lean budget kind of gal, so the $40 price tag for a quart of paint, plus the $35.00 for Light Wax and Dark Wax (each) really was an unusual splurge for me. Huge. But thankfully I had the cash to indulge my longing. My pictures really don’t do justice to how gorgeous this color is.

At first I just painted it Provence without antiquing it. Unfortunately, I just felt like something was missing. It wasn’t quite there. So I decided to go and bust out the wax (which I’m so glad I bought) to see if I could make it pop. I loved it! AC, did not. The first thing he said when he and Dominic got home from school was “What did you do? You ruined it!”

Pfft. No way, CC. No way.

Spring Porch

My front porch had been sadly neglected for quite some time. It was just something we passed through to get into the house. This spring I decided to scrub it down, repaint a old table, use the chairs I spray painted last summer, and spray paint some other little things. The azaleas were blooming and it was just a nice spot.

Okay, that’ll do it for this post. I’ll be back soon with another one. 🙂 I’m also thinking about getting a Facebook page for this site, but I’m not sure yet. (I’ve been FB resistant for so long!) It’ll probably make things easier instead of blogging, because you all know how great I am at that. *eye roll*

See you soon!

 

 

 

 

Strawberries, Aliens, & Sneak Peak

Estimated reading time: 4 – 6 minutes

 

Hello, Everyone! As I mentioned in my last post, I’ve been working on a bazillion house projects and writing projects. When I’m not playing with Julian & Lily from DDIII as Claudia, I’m dipping my mental pen in several different universes.

Charlotte has been visiting the Billionaire landscape about a childhood sweetheart couple who loved too much, broke up (twice!), and finally come back together to find a BDSM love story.

D. Cristiana has trespassed onto Claudia’s territory by exploring a dystopian future where a human woman agrees to become a vampire’s secretary. Angst, blood, and strangeness abound.

Amelia loves all things alien hybrid. Put saving a girl, D/S, spankings, alien hybrids, billionaire status, and you have this:

“Come here.” He pointed to the spot next to him. When I didn’t move he growled, “Now.”

That worked in making me bend to his will. Cautious, I scooted over. His cool hand cupped my chin, tightening when I tried to draw away.

“Don’t ever lie to me, pet. Not only is it futile, it is one of the few things that draws my anger. I say this for your benefit—don’t make me angry.”

My heart thudded hard. His stare flickered, showing me the ebony hiding beneath the human orbs.

“What exactly are you?”

Maybe he was a demon like on all those TV shows? The black eyes definitely supported it. Or a robot? Logic seemed to be his go-to way of being and talking. No, scratch that. He was too warm to be a robot. Unless he was some kind of government project that escaped. Although I’d never read about A.I. being this advanced, anything was possible.

He smirked again. “You’ll learn soon enough. For now I’m Master to you in all things and especially when you’re in my bed—but only if you’ve been a good girl.”

A blush flamed across my cheeks and throat. Master? In his bed? Good girl? While certainly no virgin, I could count on one hand the amount of partners I’d had. None of them were ever so presumptuous to assume out loud I would grace his bed sheets.

Yet, his presumptuous wasn’t the same. It was a fact. Non-negotiable. We both knew it.

This should be out in the next day or so. 🙂

ROSWELL

Which brings me to this. I have Netflix (which I love) and it wasn’t until I was done with my Amelia story that I fell back in passionate love with a TV show cut too early. Roswell. Oh, how I loved that show! Alien hybrids, true love in the form of Max and Liz, hot love in the form of Michael and Maria, conspiracies, intrigue, love triangles (kinda), and it was awesome!

I remember first seeing the promo on WB back when I actually lived in a town called Roswell. 😉

If you’ve never seen it, I highly recommend checking it out. It seriously has aged very well and Michael and Maria are still just as fiery and hot a couple as I’ve ever seen. Max and Liz are still the sweetest ever. They inspire me to one day give a sweet love story a try…

STRAWBERRIES

Speaking of sweet, the other night I made these for the first time:

Nummy little cakes!

I loved it and couldn’t believe I’ve gone almost thirty-six years without ever making this angel food cake/cup, whipped topping, strawberry treat.

Neither did this little feline punk (at least the whipped topping anyways):

Caught!

That is Persephone, or Baby Persephone as she’s known around here. She’s much smaller than the rest of our feline brood and the youngest so she gets Baby as part of her name. She’s also the flirtiest and the naughtiest. Needless to say our treat wasn’t ruined–only the whipped topping.  >.< Bad cat!

So that’s what’s been going on around here. See you all again soon!

My Inspiration for Love Blind’s “Julio Alberto”

Estimated reading time: 6 – 10 minutes


I’m taking a break from doing a final pass on my latest Charlotte DeCorte work and wondering what I should blog about since lately it’s only been releases. (I really need to get a newsletter, huh? 😉 ) Then I remember how my husband suggested I start sharing what influences the stories I write since I don’t really like blogging about myself. (There’s so many times I think about “Ooh, I want to share this latest home project or book find” but I don’t. Lame, I know. I might start sharing my book store finds one day.)

Anyways, I remember how I posted If Julian Douglas Lived in the Flesh and thought, “Oh, yeah! Julio Alberto would be perfect!” So here we go:

I grew up on Telenovelas which are Latino soap operas. The biggest difference between US soap operas and Telenovelas are the length. Telenovelas typically run for 3 to 6 months. (Sometimes longer but not by much.) I absolutely believe I got a bit of my fetish for emotionally damaged bastards from watching these shows at such a young age.

My favorite Telenovelas were the classic Cinderalla takes of rich guy/poor girl love stories. Except in these love stories, the innocent girl falls in love with the jaded rich guy who is usually coerced into marrying said girl but doesn’t love her. He’s often cold and cruel but can’t keep his hands off the no-longer-innocent girl. Usually he cheats, leaves her because he got his mistress pregnant, and our girl becomes a heroine bent on revenge. Her love has turned into hatred and it’s damned addictive to watch as our rich guy finds out that he did indeed love his innocent bride and wishes more than anything to win her love back.

They do find their way to one another after a whole slew of drama, tears, yelling, and begging. The Telenovela typically ends with our now-hero and heroine marrying in a church with a whole slew of smiling family and friends in attendance.

Okay, how does this tie into Love Blind?

Sadly, I haven’t watched any new Telenovelas in about seven years. (Wow! That long?) It’s the thing that if you don’t catch them in the beginning, it’s kind of hard to catch up. The last one I saw was this strangely addictive one called “Inocente de Ti”. The reason I say strangely is because it pissed me off more often that not. I wanted to strangle the main character Julio Alberto Castillo Linares-Robles (played by the phenomenally talented Valentino Lanus) so many times because he was such a dick.

Yet, I was captivated. Why? Because as cruel as he was, Julio Alberto was also a man in so much pain. Argh!

Anyways, when I sat down to write Love Blind, it was my first full story I started after my MIL passed. I knew exactly who I imagined physically as Josephine’s vampire lover. (At the time I thought it was going to be a fun, sexy piece. I should’ve known better. 😉 ) So Mr. Vampire Lover had to have the same name as the physical inspiration: Julio Alberto.

Hmm…I just love saying that name. Julio Alberto, Julio Alberto, Julio Alberto.

So there you go! Feast your eyes on this beautiful man and tell me you understand my fascination:

NOTE: Obviously the captions are my brainchild and not meant to represent anything factual outside of Love Blind.

Hello, Josephine. My name is Julio Alberto.

 

Silly girl, thinking you could run from me...

 

You don't want me to bite you? Aww, that's too bad.

 

Behave, or down into the basement you go!

I’ve also wrangled some clips for you to see him in action during “Inocente de Ti”. Warning: I’m going to get carried away here. Seriously there are so many great clips I would love to show you.

Julio Alberto Kissing

This is a very short clip showing how Julio Alberto kisses his lady (Florecita Gonzalez AKA Innocent Girl) and lays her down by the proverbial fire.

 

Julio Alberto Jealous & Enraged PT. I

Julio Alberto got into a fight because a man was dancing with Florecita. (She was trying to make him jealous because he was spending way tooo much time with an ex-girlfriend. Dick.) Bloody & pissed he’s locked out of Flor’s room where she’s hiding with her sister who encouraged the tit-for-tat situation, Julio Alberto bangs on it like a maniac. Frantic, the girls look for a place to hide and find it in the closet but not before unlocking the door. Julio Alberto storms in and looks for them before realizing they’re hiding in the closet. He demands they come out, saying he’s not going to hit a woman. Flor’s sister leaves but not before warning her brother-in-law not to lay a hand on her sister. Julio Alberto then yells at his wife for disrespecting his name and honor. She begs and pleads before screaming back at how he’s disrespected her with that tramp of an ex-girlfriend. Yep, that’s a lot of drama. 😉

Julio Alberto Jealous & Enraged PT. II

Although Julio Alberto and Florecita are separated, he can’t help but go into a jealous rage when he happens to see a young man kissing her. What doesn’t help? Julio Alberto was on his way to beg her to come back to him–which he admits to after yelling bloody murder. Florecita is immediately deflated and wants to explain how she wasn’t willingly kissing that man but was instead forced. (True. She slapped him right afterward, but it was too late because Julio Alberto had already stormed off.) Julio Alberto isn’t trying to hear it.

Interesting parts: 0:00 to 0:32 | 2:00 to 3:15 | 5:26 to 6:26 | 6:56 to 8:40

 

Julio Alberto Distraught & Begging

Julio Alberto all torn up because his ex-wife Flor rejects his love. He’s begging for her return, wanting her to marry him again and have a bazillion kids. She lets him know how much she hates him and can never forgive him for all his betrayals. She swears she’s going to go far, far away from him so she never has to lay eyes on him again. (By the way, she’s in the hospital as a victim of a hit and run. Drama, I’m telling you!)

So there you all have it. I hope you enjoyed peeking a bit into my mind. If anything, I hoped you enjoyed seeing Julio Alberto’s inspiration. 🙂 Oh, if it’s not how you imagined him to look—feel free to purge the above out of your mind. Because how you imagine it is the best! 🙂

Reflection

Estimated reading time: 3 – 5 minutes

Credit: Andrew Watla

It will be a week tomorrow since my mother-in-law died.

Writing those words sets a crack inside my heart and my mind. My eyes reflexively fill with tears while my mind struggles to remember and understand what the last two years have been all about.

I spent almost 17 years with her. Nearly as long as I spent with my own mother.

She was there when I gave birth to both of my boys. She loved my sons as much as I did. She loved them and they loved her.

Now she’s gone from here.

It’s been almost two years since she was diagnosed with Stage IV cancer. It had already spread into her bones by the time it was discovered. They never did find the primary.

I’d spent the last two years being with her, immersed in this polite and sterile world of liquid hope against death. I wrote when I could and my pieces became shorter as that was all I could focus on.

It’s been two weeks since I wrote anything.

Going through her things, dividing a life’s worth of possessions into neat piles has made me feel that strange state of not-feeling-for-long. I swing between mad joy for still being alive, greedy for all the possibilities to come, and a quiet despair of knowing everything is impermanent. Nothing lasts.

Ten years ago she read the rough draft prologue of “Vicious Bliss: fallen.” She whispered to my husband, “She’s really good.”

I sit here and wonder how I can ever write another word again when all I feel is this disturbing grief and guilt for falling prey to my insecurities all these years.

I never let her read anything else I wrote. I had a long list as to why. I never thought it was good enough. I was afraid an avid reader like herself couldn’t truly enjoy anything that came out of my twisted mind. I thought once I achieved a certain level of sales, reviews, and/or financial success then maybe I could share.

Now she never will get a chance to read anything.

I think back to how I thought I had forever. I had forever to fix me. I had forever to get through my shit. I had forever to become the woman I always knew I could be once upon a time.

Forever isn’t here anymore.

So what do I do?

I grieve. I grieve and I grieve and I grieve.

Then I kick my own ass and stop living this half-life that I’ve accepted for myself. I have tons of things I have shelved but the main focus for this segment of my life is writing.

All work has pretty much come to a stop since December. Any deadline I had before has died. That’s okay. I’ll get to it one word at a time. I’ll get to it and think of her, knowing now she really did think I was good. She didn’t need a sales figure or a rank or a certain number of favorable reviews to believe and appreciate my work.

And now I have to do the work of believing that too. I’m sure she’ll be able to help me now in a way she couldn’t before.

So please know that while I am grieving I do plan on coming back. Devil’s Descent III, Of Course Mr. Collins, Paramour, plus a couple of shorts are my top priority.

Thanks for reading and let me end on this note: if you have a goal, dream, or idea hovering and aren’t sure if you should go for it–go for it. This all ends far more quickly then we think it will. Don’t leave anything on the table to regret.

Devil’s Descent I: purgatory Proof Copy

Estimated reading time: 3 – 4 minutes

Hey Everyone! I’m sooo excited to have finally pulled the trigger on getting Devil’s Descent I: purgatory out in print. Doesn’t it look so pretty? *sighs happily* I gotta show you my pics:

DD I VS. VBF

Okay, so even though I’ve been self-published since 2004, this is the first print project I did completely solo. I’m still fond of the special edition cover for Vicious Bliss: fallen (middle one) especially because it was my first cover attempt. (I will soon pull VBF from the current POD company and redo it under my own banner. Expect that later this year.)

DD I and Julian

I love seeing Julian’s face. (I have to admit I kissed his lips a few times. Strange, me? No way! 😉 ) Unlike the ebook cover, I added some distressed layers over his face and some blood for the print. I’m thinking I might add a bit more grit to it but I’m not too sure.

 DD I Back Cover

I like how grungy and distressed the back cover colors came out. You can see the much more of the blood on this side versus the front.

DD I Title Page

You can’t have a dark vampire romance without blood, right?

DD I Chapter Headings

I’m very pleased with how this turned out. Yummylicious graphics and easy to read font. Yay!

DD I and Mr. Vash #1

Mr. Vash had to check Julian out.

DD I and Mr. Vash #2

Mr. Vash approves!

I’m going to tweak a few things and do one more final read through to make sure everything is as it’s supposed to be. Once that’s done, DD I goes live! I’ll let you all know when that is ASAP.

Sneak Peek for Upcoming Dark Fiction

Estimated reading time: 2 – 2 minutes

Hey Everyone! I just wanted to pop in and give you a sneak peek for what’s coming up in the next couple of months. I am concerned that I’m about to jinx myself by sharing but screw it! After all, how can I not share how freakin’ hot Constantine is? 😉

Please enjoy and I hope you are looking forward to the upcoming titles as much as I am!

Claudia D. Christian

Paramour (Book 2 of the Beloved Series)

 

Charlotte DeCorte

Of Course, Mr. Collins (Book 2 of Natasha and Mr. Collins)

D. Cristiana

Dark Desires: Traded

Dark Desires: Found

Dark Desires: Kept

2011 Writing Goals Updated

Estimated reading time: 5 – 8 minutes

It’s nearing the end of the year and I wanted to see how I did in regards to my writing goals (posted earlier this year.) I rocked and I stunk all at once. How does that happen? 😉 Let’s take a look, shall we?

Claudia D. Christian:

  1. Devil’s Descent II: impure: Final edits are chugging along. I’d like to have this out late March/early April. It’s difficult to say because once it’s out it’s out. (Yes, I’m being a total wussy.) *I met this goal so yay!
  2. Grim Alice: I really, really want to have this book done and out by the end of 2011. You have no idea how much I love this book. I get sucked into this mad, mad world and find I don’t want to do anything else other than visit. (Which is probably why I haven’t worked on it for months.) *Oh my god. I think I opened this file once. I really love this story too. I better not put it on the goal list for next year or I’ll completely jinx it.
  3. Vicious Bliss: broken: Ditto for VBB. It’s been almost seven years since I wrote VBF. (Damn!) I’ve been very wary of working on this one. (Do you see a pattern here? ;) ) I love Mikhail and all his many, many imperfections. Seriously, this man is so hated by many VBF readers and I can’t blame them. Still, I love him and must get this book written. *Yeah, this totally didn’t happen either.
  4. Anna & Christian (Working Title): A novella-size dark romance that I previewed back in December. I’m aiming for about 30k words but don’t hold me to that. This will be in the works after DDII & My Love Forgive are released. *Nope, didn’t happen. I like the concept but I’m not sure if it fits with Claudia work anymore.
  5. Suicide/Love: A print version of Suicide Doll and Love Unfortunate combined into one book. (I would definitely like to do one novella-combo a year.) *sigh* Didn’t happen. I’ve formatted most of the file but ran into some other issues. 
  6. Devil’s Descent I: purgatory: Release print version in 2011. *double sigh* 
  7. Vicious Bliss: fallen (2010 Edition): Release print version in 2011. *triple sigh*

Charlotte DeCorte

  1. My Love Forgive: This is probably going to be a 40K +/- novella. The dark romance is absolutely here. The erotica is stronger than what I usually write as CDC. The mindfuck is present. It’s quickly becoming an uncomfortable work to write which goes to show it’s probably moving along in the right direction. I’m also toying around with this being part of a non-related series tentatively titled “Prisoner of Love.” Right now I want to explore love under duress, captivated love, and all that disturbing yummy goodness. *I’ve gotten quite a bit written but then it got super-uncomfortable for me. Which really should be the point where I keep going because if I’m not uncomfortable then I’m not growing. But I wussed out.
  2. Trunk (Working Title): This was a CDC piece, my only non-paranormal one, and I think it’s going to work better as a Charlotte piece. This would also be part of the “Prisoner of Love” series. *I still want to do this but it got shuffled around as other fic pieces demanded priority.
  3. Untitled: As I like to do everything in odd numbers this work would be the last in the “Prisoner of Love” series. No idea what’s going to be but I’m sure it’s going to be completely unconventional, scary, and strangely arousing. You already know I’m strange, right? I hope? :) *I’m still game for this.

That’s all that I have planned for now. A super busy year is ahead of me, huh? Hopefully, I’ll also make room for submitting to anthologies this year too—especially since I had so much fun withHearteater. (One of my goals this year if the right opportunity comes up and inspiration is kind.) *I did not submit to any anthologies either.

Now that I’ve announced this I can’t back out, right? *heart beating a bit faster* *Apparently I can. 😉 

Okay, so it really looks like I haven’t done jack this year. Which has been true during certain stretches. No doubt it’s been a trying year for me personally but I am proud of myself for accomplishing the following:

  1. Releasing Devil’s Descent II: impure under Claudia D. Christian.
  2. Releasing “Cry for Me” under Charlotte DeCorte.
  3. Releasing “Yes, Mr. Collins” under Charlotte DeCorte.
  4. Coming up with another pen name for explicit erotica: D. Cristiana.
  5. Releasing “Dark Desires: Bought” under D. Cristiana
  6. Releasing “Dark Desires: Sold” under D. Cristiana
  7. Releasing “Darling” under Claudia D. Christian.

So even though I didn’t meet a lot of the 2011 goals, I met several others. Progress is good. If anything, I now have a super-long list for 2012. *rubbing hands together in excitement*

Devil’s Descent Series Covers

Estimated reading time: 2 – 3 minutes

Hey Everyone!

I’ve been restructuring my 2011 Writing Goals and with that came the belated realization that I’m no good at series hopping. (I should already know this by now.) I’ve been meaning to work on my Vicious Bliss series but find Devil’s Descent to be quite bossy.

Soooo, I’ve decided to just focus on Devil’s Descent for my Claudia work. (I’m going to be focused on the My Love… novella prequel and short novel as Charlotte.)

Cool right?

Almost. See, before I can write word one of a story I have to have a cover for it. Weird, I know. What else is new? I’ve spent the past week stuck on the Devil’s Descent III cover when it finally hit me Thursday. I was using the wrong image and wrong theme! Once I figured that out, the design block had melted.

I designed all the four outstanding covers as well as redid DDII and tweaked DDI. (Now all I need to do is write them. *excited squeal*)

Without further ado, here they are:

DEVIL’S DESCENT I: purgatory

DEVIL’S DESCENT II: impure

DEVIL’S DESCENT III: divided

DEVIL’S DESCENT IV: filthy

DEVIL’S DESCENT V: bitter

DEVIL’S DESCENT VI: damnation

Cry for Me Snippet

Estimated reading time: 2 – 3 minutes

Hey everyone!

I’m coming out of my cozy, little office to share a snippet from a new short story I’ve been working on as Charlotte, “Cry for Me.”

I’m still working on “My Love Forgive” but I needed to take a little break in order to get my head straight. Cryptic, I know. 😉

Anyway, here’s a preview:

Sevastian always made it a habit to never fuck his woman while she cried.

The simple answer was because he enjoyed creating her precious tears.

The complex answer as to why he enjoyed it had yet to be fully solved.

Sevastian studied each perfect tear as it rolled down Ava’s reddened face. Hypnotized and obsessed, he crouched down before her as she sobbed from their latest round of play.

This time she was the poor, ravished maid and he the selfish, despotic aristocrat.

Others had seen them as innocent schoolgirl and hard taskmaster, adoring nurse and arrogant doctor, lady of the manor and faithful butler, and a hundred exciting different personalities.

Sevastian craved her total surrender. He needed to watch Ava lose control. Only when she screamed, when her lovely face scrunched up into a nearly unrecognizable mask of misery, did he feel something almost as blissful as Ava’s exquisite suffering.

Freedom.

Sevastian, the son of Russian immigrants, had never known this delicate perversion existed inside his cold, orderly mind. Excellence, hard work, and efficiency had been the guiding forces in his structured life since time memorial. Sexuality had naturally fallen right in line. Sevastian fucked the way he worked—intent yet removed, satisfied only by accomplishment.

Then he met Ava. Lovely, glorious, ridiculously emotionally-complicated Ava.

Ava who cried at his command.

Ava who cried as he beat her tender backside with a riding crop.

Ava who cried at his feet just to feel again.

Unable to resist another moment, Sevastian leaned forward to kiss one blessed tear. It tasted of all things forbidden and wondrous.

The plan is to make this a 5,000 to 7,000 word erotic piece. If this goes well, I already have two more shorts that follow this couple mentally sketched out. Hopefully, I’ll have this up by the end of June. *crossing fingers*

Working Through Doubt

Estimated reading time: 2 – 4 minutes

Image Credit: mandilee

I’ve said many, many times that I’m going to get better with the blogging. I’ve lied without intending to lie. I’m terrible at expressing my mind online. Awful.

*sigh*

Eventually you’ll get tired of my whining the same sentiments but until then…

You probably know I’ve been working on my first erotica piece “My Love Forgive” under the pen name of Charlotte DeCorte. (If this is news to you, please feel free to check out “Who’s Charlotte?”)

The basic concept is you have two people, Risa and Gabriel, who are mad about the other but have a huge issue with communication. When Risa decides to leave the relationship because of fear, Gabriel takes things in hand and simply chains her to the bed.

Cool, huh? 😉

I enjoyed writing much of this story but now I’m beset by doubts. And by beset I mean I’m freakin’ frozen. It’s gotten to the point to where I have a knot in my stomach every time I open the file.

Why have I fallen to doubt?

I’ve tons of reasons: it’s not erotic enough, it’s too disturbing, it’s too boring, it’s too this, too that…argh!

I now believe I’ve gotten into a habit of fearing this story instead of just going with the flow.

Hell, I even have a knot just typing this up. I’ve considered working on another story (DD III) just so I can feel productive. I haven’t because I know I’d only be running away from my real problem.

It’s the same problem Risa and Gabriel have.

Trust.

I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust that I’m really writing anything different from CDC work. I don’t trust I can do something different (erotica) and I don’t trust that the way I tell a story is really what anyone wants to read. I don’t trust that this is worth it.

(Oh, that’s so pitiful! I nearly gagged just reading that. I apologize.)

You know what the wonderfully odd thing that just happened when I typed the above? (Not the puking paragraph. The one above.) The knot loosened. My heart doesn’t feel as fettered. I was able to breathe a little easier.

Trust in yourself is a blissful thing to have when you have it. It can overcome all the little nagging demons making sport in your mind. It can give peace in the middle of chaos. No one can give it to you. It can only be nurtured between you and yourself.

(Breathing a little easier.)

I don’t know if “My Love Forgive” will be accepted into those awesome ranks of Best-Selling-Erotica. It might go the way of all my CDC work—niche audience—but I believe it’s going to be another digital footprint in my ongoing relationship with self.

It will be proof I trusted myself and worked through the doubt.