Working Through Doubt

Estimated reading time: 2 – 4 minutes

Image Credit: mandilee

I’ve said many, many times that I’m going to get better with the blogging. I’ve lied without intending to lie. I’m terrible at expressing my mind online. Awful.

*sigh*

Eventually you’ll get tired of my whining the same sentiments but until then…

You probably know I’ve been working on my first erotica piece “My Love Forgive” under the pen name of Charlotte DeCorte. (If this is news to you, please feel free to check out “Who’s Charlotte?”)

The basic concept is you have two people, Risa and Gabriel, who are mad about the other but have a huge issue with communication. When Risa decides to leave the relationship because of fear, Gabriel takes things in hand and simply chains her to the bed.

Cool, huh? ;)

I enjoyed writing much of this story but now I’m beset by doubts. And by beset I mean I’m freakin’ frozen. It’s gotten to the point to where I have a knot in my stomach every time I open the file.

Why have I fallen to doubt?

I’ve tons of reasons: it’s not erotic enough, it’s too disturbing, it’s too boring, it’s too this, too that…argh!

I now believe I’ve gotten into a habit of fearing this story instead of just going with the flow.

Hell, I even have a knot just typing this up. I’ve considered working on another story (DD III) just so I can feel productive. I haven’t because I know I’d only be running away from my real problem.

It’s the same problem Risa and Gabriel have.

Trust.

I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust that I’m really writing anything different from CDC work. I don’t trust I can do something different (erotica) and I don’t trust that the way I tell a story is really what anyone wants to read. I don’t trust that this is worth it.

(Oh, that’s so pitiful! I nearly gagged just reading that. I apologize.)

You know what the wonderfully odd thing that just happened when I typed the above? (Not the puking paragraph. The one above.) The knot loosened. My heart doesn’t feel as fettered. I was able to breathe a little easier.

Trust in yourself is a blissful thing to have when you have it. It can overcome all the little nagging demons making sport in your mind. It can give peace in the middle of chaos. No one can give it to you. It can only be nurtured between you and yourself.

(Breathing a little easier.)

I don’t know if “My Love Forgive” will be accepted into those awesome ranks of Best-Selling-Erotica. It might go the way of all my CDC work—niche audience—but I believe it’s going to be another digital footprint in my ongoing relationship with self.

It will be proof I trusted myself and worked through the doubt. 

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2 Comments

  1. Hey CDC,

    I’m sure lots of writers go through these “freeze” moments. I think you’re putting too much pressure on yourself. Write the story you would love to read. When it’s all done, you’ll have the pleasure of knowing you wrote a story you enjoyed and are hopefully proud of. I’m sure they’ll be others who enjoy it just as much as you did, if not…well, screw ‘em!!

  2. Hey Emma! Thanks for stopping by. :)

    “I think you’re putting too much pressure on yourself.”

    Yes! It’s a terrible flaw I have. You would think that I’d have enough experience in knowing my tastes are niche and to just accept that. Instead, I go through the self-inflicted agony of, “Maybe it’s just too weird. Nobody is gonna wanna read this! Write something less…dark…and you won’t have to go through this angst!”

    Pitiful, I know.

    “I’m sure they’ll be others who enjoy it just as much as you did, if not…well, screw ‘em!!”

    :) Those are words to live by!

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