Claudia D. Christian

Awkward Beginnings

Estimated reading time: 3 – 4 minutes

(Originally posted April 21, 2009)

I could say that I’m working on Grim Alice today, but I’d be lying. I have the file open. I’ve even looked at it. It taunts me, sitting there on my desktop taking me away from my feelings of awesomeness. Why do you do this? Why do you remind me of responsibility? And why, oh why, do I feel weird blogging?

Everyone blogs, right? It seems to have become a given possession along with cell phones and ipods. (I have two of the three. Ipod — I *heart* you. Cell phone — Death first! Blog — Do I have to? [Looks around. Sighs. Mopes.])

I claim to be a writer. Blogging shouldn’t be this hard, right? WRONG! Blogging is way freakin’ harder than writing. As a composer of fiction, I am expected to step out of the world I create. It’s not about ME, it’s about the WORK. The work always! I’m the hand behind the throne, never seen and never heard from. That’s the way it’s supposed to be.

Blogging, on the other hand, is all about the Blogger. All eyes are on me. Yuck!

“But Claudia, don’t you have anything clever to write about? Don’t you have any observations on the world? Come on–show how witty you are and blog about the latest blah, blah, blah.”

No. No. And hell no.

So why the freak out? Don’t like blogs, don’t have one. Simple, you whining pussy.

I hear ya. Yeah, very true. But I have this trait, call it a strength of weakness. When I feel most uncomfortable about something, that’s when I can’t back away from it. My mind/body locks up and fixates on that which torments me the most. (Read the first few lines about Grim Alice. There’s a prime example.) Once I realize how much I fear something, that’s when I make it my mission to destroy it.

I honestly didn’t want to write a post. After all, I doubt anyone even reads it. What does it matter? No one will care if I blog or don’t blog.

True.

But I know.

So I squirm here, face wrinkled like I have constipation — which I guess I do, you know, of the blogging sort — and type. I type without pause or what’s the word? Censorship. Yes, I type without censoring my thoughts.

And it’s freeing. I don’t have to police my actions. I just…type. You know what? Blogging is like running for me — it’s hell when I start, it’s hell when I’m chugging along, it’s hell when I stop to suck in air, but when it’s done I’m all smiles. I actually feel better.

I can understand why people love their blogs.

Grim Alice Tab — I see you. I see you squashed between iTunes and My Documents. I see you sitting there, constant and mocking me with your presence. Oh, yes. I see you. Guess what? You shall mock me no more for I will defeat you. We will tangle again tomorrow and I will beat you then too.

Blog — thank you for taking mercy upon me and not destroying me like the worm I am! *whispers* But one day I’ll kick your ass too!